UrsLife

Before I got married, I loved being alone. I loved having my own space and writing my own day each and every day. I loved not having to be concerned about what someone else wanted to do. I loved not having to have things set up at home with the consideration of someone else in mind. I loved living alone. I even loved doing things alone–going to the movies, plays, symphonies…It was normal and enjoyable for me.

But, over time, it is amazing how easily you can get used to having someone around all of the time. Even when looking back and realizing that at least 50% of the time  (what a sad reality) it was bad company, you still get used to it.

So, now, in this aftermath of divorce, I am finding it challenging to live life alone again. Although the divorce is only a little over a month final, It will be a year in May since we physically separated. While we did not sever all ties until a couple of months later, I have been sleeping in a bed by myself ever since the first day I moved. I have been eating dinner alone for longer than that, seeing how in the last place that we did live together, he opted to have dinner in front of the TV with his mother instead of with me.

Luckily, I have never had a problem taking care of myself. I took care of the both of us for a while at that, so that has not been a problem. It is just actually being alone again.

After we separated, the first time I went to the movies by myself, which was a simple act for me in the past, it was such a task. I felt so self conscious being seen alone. Before I married, I spent my adult life in a much friendlier city than the one in which I grew up. Doing things alone was easier because no one cared.

Now I live near my hometown again and it can be cruel. People may even taunt you if you are alone. So, I  go to the movies earlier in the day since not many people go during that time, it is cheaper, and yes, there are other loners there. It is a sad thing to think about, but it is my reality right now.

Other concerts, movies, or shows that I have attended with someone have been mainly with my parents. I love my parents, but I feel like such a loser sometimes that I have to go things with them because I do not really have anyone else to do things with.

I mean, i did everything with this person the last ten or so years of my life. I left my family and what few friends I had and moved clear across the country to be with this person. Now that he is gone. I am left with no one. It is sad, too because, as I said, I had always been a loner. Part of the reason it worked so well was having a big family.

I am the fifth of six children, five of which are girls. I have four automatic friends, right? That is still in question. While I was going through the divorce, It was my mother, with whom I had a somewhat strained relationship for most of my adult life, that at least tried to listen to me and help talk me through it.

My sisters have their own lives that they cannot really stop to see to my needs, I guess. Three are married with kids and act like they cannot do anything. They never go out just with the girls or without their kids or husbands. So, we still would not hang out. The fourth is seven years my younger and has never been married. She cannot really relate  so we do not really talk about the issue. When I even make mention, I can sense her uncomfortableness. I am always there for others, but it feels like few are ever there for me, especially when I need it most.

So, at this point, not only do I feel alone (which I obviously no longer know how to handle as easily), but I am probably experiencing for the first time in my life true loneliness. I know it will just take some time to get used to and then the loneliness will disappear, but in the meantime, here I am.

I refuse to let this feeling of loneliness overtake me. Like I said in a previous post, keeping occupied with other things helps. I am also trying to focus on the small pleasures of living alone again. Things like not having to hear someone else’s complaining, snoring, farting, negativity, and Prince CDs 24/7 (I kid you not. I like Prince, but not like that..) all the time. Things like being able to sleep, get up, dance, sing, yell, or whatever else without worrying about disturbing someone else. Being able to always watch, listen to, or basically do what *I* want. Not having to clean up after another person or deal with another person’s issues on a daily basis.

But probably the most important thing that comes with living alone again is having time for myself again. I have the time to rediscover myself again and define myself in my own terms and no longer in terms of him or us. So many of us lose ourselves in our marriages and forget who we really are. When marriages fail, we feel so lost and incomplete. I now have the chance to be the person that has always been inside, but that I have stifled, changed, and/or ignored to please someone else. I can be the women that I was always meant to be. So I will be her, embrace her, love her! She is me!